Thursday, August 3, 2017

The B in EG

Storm is brewing
Note: I had this in the draft pile for awhile, thought better to put it out there when the B in EG had gone quiet for awhile...

I'm an absolute raging bitch inside of my head right now…and not proud of myself also to my lucky care giver of the day my mom.  I would like to be angry at everyone and everything but really there is no one to be angry at except this god damn illness and it doesn't fight fair.  You can't yell at it without screaming profanities at yourself.  So what do you do and don't you dare say meditate unless you are the 15th reincarnation of the Dalai Lama.  Yell at your friends, nope that doesn't work as two of them wanted to come by today but you weren't well enough.  Yell at your doctors, the one that called in twice to check on you this week when you called because couldn't get over a bad hump.  Yell at whom…who the fuck is there to yell and scream and say I hate everything and everyone because yesterday this god for saken illness gave me 2 hours of freedom….2 hours where you and your mom headed to Nordstrom..where I was out in the real world like a real person that didn't look or act sick at all.  I had finally succumbed and used my walker.  I have had the walker for over a year…and I didn't bring it back to WI.  But my dad's friend was out in Phoenix and grabbed it for me and so there it has been in back of the Explorer that my dad graciously keeps in my driveway here despite I never drive.

See who the fuck do you yell at when you have parents like that?  That leave a 2 year old car for you and drive their old pick up truck "just in case" you drive.  So Nora (my Mom) and I had a normalish 2 hours…yes I had my walker but it was really just a nice accessory to rest my purse. Yes under the walker seat was a cooler packed with snacks like you do for a toddler.  Yes I had been in bed until 3pm when I even thought about this jaunt.  I tried on shoes…tennis shoes that is because I'm attempting a tread mill to see if I can walk for a few minutes a day inside and I no longer own a pair of tennis shoes. We then went all crazy and made it to EverEve a store just outside Nordstrom and in about 5 minutes flat I found a pair of jeans, jean shorts, and top.  Didn't try it on, needed to sit outside the store because I was getting warm.  But when we left our little excursion I felt about the same as when we started which was amazing.

I ate a half of sandwich and my parents went out to dinner.  And then things started to pile up.  I got too tired by the time I kept taking Sophie off the bed and back on and off again and outside and feeding her that I got hungry.  And I was almost sure I could make myself some eggs, but here's the thing where it's hard for me to make's the brain power.  I started, sat on my stool in the kitchen and called it…so my parents had to come back from their house over here to help.  I thought I would try and be productive and peel a tangerine…and despite it looking perfectly fine from the outside and I am the queen of picky when it comes to the food I can eat I open it to find the most disgusting black mold that I thought was a large bug ever…I thru it in the sink and screamed just as my parents were walking in the door.  Yep that was it…back to bed.
Nope she's certainly not the B

So here we are today…the B in EG…I woke up and yesterday the good part of yesterday might as well all been a mean "gotcha"…ditching a bride at the alter, telling someone they won the lottery….okay I think I'm accidentally quoting and Alanis Morissette song…well that sums it up…but far worse than rain on your wedding day…. seriously if that is your biggest problem get a fucking life.  Yes see this B is strong in this one…. None of this feels ironic it feels cruel.  How to go from that yesterday to today my head felt like it couldn't process a thing, my legs felt heavy and numb and after I was in the shower my lungs tightened up…I got dressed, did my nebulizer all trying to get 7 minutes away for my nephew's birthday party.  My mom left at noon and came back to get me…but I couldn't eat the food she made…I snipped and snapped and pretty much was a nightmare to be around…she was the only one in the path of my wrath.  I was just so frustrated.  And people try and say it's okay - he didn't even notice it was so crazy the nerf war party.  But the thing is it does matter - it matters to ME.  And the fact that it starts to not matter; the continual doesn't matter because this is your new normal missing nearly everything is a hard pill to swallow...oh my goodness I did it again...Jagged Little Pill...I swear I haven't even listened to Alanis in years.  Okay now I'm laughing at myself..

Frustrated that I should be happy with a good few hours - but it's a few hours…do you know how long the days are.  I always say people think I have so much time on my hands but when everything takes so long waiting to feel well enough it often feels like I'm racing against time.  I am always out of time; because timing is everything and I need to wait it out to get to the point where I feel well enough and by that time often I've missed what I tried so hard to make.  Thus the B in EG comes out..and for those that have been in her lovely path all too often - thank you.

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