Sunday, January 1, 2017

Deep End of the Ocean...

I have only one thing to do and that's
To be the wave I am and then
Sink back into the Ocean…Sink back into the ocean
Fiona Apple - Container

Sinking.  It feels like sinking into the deep end of the ocean.  Jacquelyn Mitchard wrote that book, I read it, but not until today did that phrase, that title feel more relevent.  I'm giving myself permission to write this while I still feel like I am swimming in the deep end of the ocean.  Most words I'm typing keep coming up wrong; typing something I pride myself in doing quite well.  Yes, I was someone that voluntarily took typing in high school during the summer.  I loved the click of the keys and the little books the had you doing A, D, E, K.  There were the sentences that used all of the letter combinations and the timer.  This is old school kids, actual paper and the back tab with the white out to correct.  I loved that class.  It took me years to finally enter the "Apple" world because their keyboard is so equally spaced it doesn't have the same feel as a typewriter.  Well after that tangent down the halls of BCHS memory lane back to the deep end of the ocean.

It's New Year's Day.  Yesterday I enjoyed two hours of bliss.  What did I do you ask?  The same things  I always do but the outside and the inside matched.  I sat on my balcony and didn't feel this electric hum that seems omnipresenct through my veins.  I didn't need to constantly monitor was I getting enough fluids with salt in it to help my blood pressure stay elevated.  I took a shower.  A long shower without fear of retaliation.  I went and brushed my teeth AFTER a shower.  See that is a lot of standing.  Normally I have this glass half full attitude and bring my clothes in with me to the shower.  And every time I get out of the shower towel around my torso bring the clothes out and throw them and myself on the bed.  I put my feet up for awhile, I cool off and I try again.  But not yesterday, yesterday I took a shower, got dressed and brushed my teeth.  I watched some tv, surfed the internet - I did nothing special but every moment of it was special - I felt like myself.  My way old back self.

The last few weeks or months haven't been anywhere near that.  A good day is sitting on the balcony and being good enough to be out of bed.  Then there is a long boring story about a blood treatment gone array, an IV, another IV and then my doctor giving something to help "thin my thick infected blood and help my kidneys detox better."  Well Saturday morning that is all I did.  By 11am I had used the W.C. about 15 times.  I called my doctor in a bit of a panic.  It did not feel like a bladder infection, no pain but constant and my head felt like it was spinning, I couldn't think or see straight.  My doctor called back about an hour and a half later…and when she did I said "Thank You." I don't know what you did to help detox my kidneys but it worked, I was miserable and now I feel better than I have in months.  I honestly don't feel sick at all.  I even got my hair cut by my assistant sitting outside.  Without counting the minutes til it was done.
My FB post New Year's Eve
10:59am first time in 2 weeks I don't feel a variety of symptoms - I will take this minute of peace and feel so grateful ! Cool and cloudy - blanket watching golfers ... it's going to be okay. Happy Blessed and Grateful New Year to All
And now today.  All I can do is tread water in the deep end of the ocean.  That phrase, kept ringing through my ears - yes that is what it feels like I'm not only treading water, trying to stay upright, I'm not just in the ocean - I am in the deep end.  The waves feel like they could take me over at any minute.  I have water everywhere that I can not drink but am so thirsty it's painful to look at.  It's a sea sick feeling of being thrashed around a body attempting to find it's footing but it can't - you are in the deep end of the ocean.  The only thing to do is wait it out.  You are starving but too tired to sit upright to eat.  Too nauseas to get food in when you do.  Your head is pounding or spinning.  One headset in with music to distract and then the counting.  I try and count backwards from 100.  Most of the time I get to 98 and get distracted and try again.  And all I want to do is sink into this ocean.  Sink and let it stop.  Can we go back to yesterday.  How can I find that peace and find it in this minute before I sink.  I feel Sophie inching closer to me, just enough to be present not too much to demand attention.  Focus, focus on that feeling.  That slight pressure that is calming.  Don't sink, 100, 99, 98, "River Lea the River Lea..100, 99, 98 …it's in my roots, it's in my veins, it's in my blood and I stain…the dog, the numbers the song…again and again.  Hydrate…sit up hydrate.  "there was something in the water and now that somethings in me and I can't go back…" Adele.  That's how I feel.  This illness is so deep in my blood in my veins I can't go back… phone is pinging.  I reply.  I always reply.  Too sick can't talk.  The feel better soon, the I'm really sorry, the check in later if you can.  Reply back - that takes every effort to reach that phone.

It's now 3pm.  I'm exhausted from treading water.  My head is blaring my body begging please stop - it's like being slipped a drug, it's disorientating.  Go back to yesterday.  I begin a meditation I use from a  session with a friend.  I imagine myself when I was about 8.  2nd grade. Yes it was 2nd grade.  My family went to visit my uncle and my mom's best friend in California.  My sister wore a baby pink gingham checked leash…that was not a typo.  Think it was in the abduction era.  But in this meditation, Cara, asked me to pick a place when I felt free.  That was it, the ocean.  The pacific dark blue cloudy day ocean.  My sister, sans leash, and I were wearing matching velour maroon with pink piping jogging suits.  My mom saved those, and I can't blame her.  They were adorable and it was a great trip.  Then Cara says to imagine that person that healthy person in my solar plexus.  I'm tiny but I'm still in there.  And try to stretch that little person and fit her inside this body.  Yes the sick part is big and looming and large, but that tiny, free running on the beach girl is inside and why don't we give her a little bit of attention.  I do that now.  I lie in bed, my head spinning my body aching thinking - scared.  I'm always scared.  Scared is this going to get worse- it always can get worse.  But I breathe and think of yesterday- that little girl was the big girl….she was in charge for 2 hours.  Not today, but try and find her.  Breathe her in…she is not in the deep end of the ocean.  She is on the shore, the cool shore with barefeet and running free.  That was real.  That was real when you were 8 and that was real yesterday.  And now right now the only thing to do is to be that wave and find your way in the deep end of the ocean.
Post Dedication:
For more info on Cara Lehmann / Reiki Master / Gifted and been a huge blessing and gift to me.
Cara Lehmann Web Link

Also to my parents, my mom planning amazing trips weather "stay cations " or the amazing out of town ones, my dad going with the flow, and my sister lol especially on that leash…xoxo


  1. Heather, thank you for spending your precious energy writing and sharing such a huge part of yourself. It is so insightful. And I am grateful that we have uncovered some tools to help you find if only a little, respite.
    With light, Cara

  2. Happy.New Year Heather! Here's to a peaceful and healthy 2017❤


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