Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Little Voices

"I decided to start anew, to strip away what I had been taught." Georgia O'Keefe

To heal:
1.  To restore to health or soundness; to cure.
2.  To set right, repair.
3.  To restore ( a person ) to spiritual wholeness.

Chronic illness often robs us the ability to heal.  It is content to live in a homeostatic state that marks improvements so small they would never be statically significant.  My aunt recently wrote me an email that said, "it is like you stepped out of a time capsule and we are so glad to have you back..." I would like to say I haven't realized I have been gone, but nothing could be further from the truth.  

Goals become very difficult with this illness.  You set them and you get use to failing again and again. The moment you no longer even try to set them is the moment you have left the state of denial and are forced to redefine your hopes and is also the day that you longer recognize yourself.  You are someone that isn't use to failing or giving up, but your body is not cooperating and the harder you try the further you fall.  I read blogs every day and hear my cyber friends struggling with achieving goals as simple as getting out of bed.  I remember those days.  I still have those days, but along with them I am a tip toeing back into life by trying to achieve some "success" with this blog.  In my heart of hearts I achieved it the second I stopped ignoring the little voice that kept whispering to reach out, and that whisper got louder or I got stronger and I took the first step of reclaiming a piece of my soul.

Photo Credit...Christopher Marley
Artist - Christopher Marley Website

With trembling hands, as if I was asking someone out on a first date, I typed the email that was the beginning of starting anew.  And with nervous anticipation I waited to see if it would be answered.   The day I took the leap of faith to reach out to Alex, was the was moment I told myself that I still mattered.  It was the moment that I realized perhaps there is hope if not a cure, at least a movement towards repair.  I sought out Alex for her knowledge and expertise regarding writing and publishing, asking her the horrifying question of "am I good enough?"  Sharing your dreams or your aspirations can be a dangerous game and for most of us that is why we keep them for the late night musings of the unconscious mind.  But danger reaps great rewards, her honest, thoughtful and critical observations gave me the courage to strive for a goal again, to self promote, to tighten my writing, change the format, to watch and analyze "hits" she made me accountable again.  She pushes and suggests and every time she emails with suggestions or constructive criticism I get to be reminded of the pre CFS me, the hyper vigilant, over achiever that completed one goal only to find another.  She treats me like I am not sick and though I can't do things as fast as I would like or have the energy to perfect every detail; every time it makes me smile remembering...ah this is how healthy people think...I use to be one of them.  But post CFS life has taught me to just enjoy the little moments, be grateful for any little shift.   Therefore, when someone said to me, "why would people want to read it, it's not as if you have cancer," I merely shrugged that comment off and took it with no malice intent.  I replied that's not really the point now is it and it felt good to be back.

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