It's been one of those days...that you are just waiting for the one kind word or gesture or the one little thing that goes wrong and you know you will be in a puddle of despair. It's Thursday, and my day "off" from the doctor, but all that really feels like is a really long day by myself. I came off of a weekend that I managed entirely by myself. Then three days in a row of blood treatments, one in which my vein collapsed so we needed to change arms, and yesterday where we needed a side arm vein so my arm was bent and my hand began dripping in sweat. When I got home after the treatment it took everything in me to get upstairs as I climbed the steps my heart began pounding out of my chest. I have been doing so well, this is to be expected, but never pleasant. My dear friend had dealt with the cable guy, dealt with a bed delivery, cleaned the kitchen, made me a lovely dinner with out asking if I needed it and fed Sophie. As she came upstairs with my dinner I wasn't sure I could sit up to eat, but she gently persisted that I needed some food in me, and nothing tastes better than a meal prepared with love.
However today I woke up wondering how in the hell am I going to do it all by myself today. Kristine, my helper, has a cold and therefore can't be around me. Minute by minute I managed. In these moments of fatigue you need to take every task and minimize it...get eggs out of refrigerator, get butter, crack eggs, find your stool to sit on...it is fatigue so overwhelming that the thought of scrambling eggs seems like too much work, that adds a fork, a bowl and mixing to the situation. I got through the mid-morning pretty well, then drove Sophie to the groomer. I decided I needed to see people so I went to the resort and just sat and people watched. Then as I was picking up Sophie I could feel it come crumbling down. I haven't had much of an appetite today, the thought of making and eating seemed like too much work. So at about 8:30 I began to heat up the spaghetti and meat sauce and sauté some spinach...you can do this. Then I opened the refrigerator and realized that Sophie was out of her food. I opened the freezer and thankfully there was frozen tilapia for her...but that was it...it was frozen and that was the break in the damn and the floodgates opened. Why, why is this all so difficult, I looked around at a kitchen full of dishes, stared at disdain at the pasta that had become dinner last night, lunch today and dinner again...I looked at my sweet dog that I didn't know how I was going to take outside...and then wondered how am the hell am I going to do this when my best friend here leaves in 5 days for Europe? The walls just came crashing down on me and the acknowledgement that yes I am better but I am not healthy enough to manage without help smacked me in the face. I picked up the phone and dialed my friend and she said she would be in the car and make it here in 20 minutes...no, no I am fine...I just needed the cry and the tilapia it just gave me the excuse. Sometimes, you just need the excuse.