Well I am back in Phoenix and like a vampire I was craving clean blood - so shockingly despite flying in the night before - dealing with rental car issues - and refrigerator issues - when I got to my three o'clock appointment we went right for the big guns! I actually new I was going to get a blood treatment - I can just feel it when I need it and it went really well and fast - always helps that my doctor has no personal boundaries and me vice versa to use as a distraction - so our chatting goes from remodeling - to relationships - to family - all the while she is intently focused and I am just rambling away. I am grateful for that -
The problem was that when we got back (my dad is out here with me) we needed to go to the store - we made dinner - then got a call from the delivery company and headed the two minutes down to the condo we are renovating - and then it all started to come closing in - it was too warm out for me - the air wasn't on in the condo - so I ended up going back to the car and breathing deep - a bit angry at myself because I knew better - I knew better than to push it. But I got through - went straight to bed around 7:30 and then decided to go on FB and my bff who is rarely on was so we skyped which made my night - but yikes - not looking pretty in that little camera - well at least vanity is still in tact all of us know that when the vanity is gone we are in the trenches.
I am going to try and update my treatments a bit better - so some posts are going to be a bit boring - so just skip over them - that's more for me to keep track - last time I tried a notebook and got off track - so this time may keep track right here!
Its only day two and I miss everyone sooo much - but i just keep telling myself - this is ti - this is the time where everything else needs to fade into the background - I may be missing things back home - but if i can get better truly better i will have that freedom to be more present - a friend sent me this quote and I like it a lot - because I know many of us with this illness have heard the dreaded.."just have a positive attitude speech so many times we would like to through something at the next person that suggests it like its the "Secret" - most everyone I have encountered with this illness had such full positive lives before this its an insult to us - I was also very careful as a Naturopathic Medical student to not allow patients to go too far down the road of "owning" their illness as if they had chosen it - or had done something wrong - its not useful - and of course a healthy attitude helps you cope better - sends better signals to the brain etc.. but at the end of the day there is a lot to say about your genes - not the blue ones. So what i liked most about this quote is its message of hope - i am hopeful - i am a million other things to at any given moment - but hope is never far away.
Courtesy of the Dalai Lama
"These days there are many different medical advances. But our attitude of mind continues to play a crucial role in both prevention and cure. This is quite clear. The body and mind are closely connected and each influences the other. That is why you should never lose hope. However, seriously sick you may be. Tell yourself that there is always a remedy and that you have a chance of recovering."
What i am trying to do better with this illness is coping with the symptoms and not defaulting to being so scared - it doesn't help - but its where my mind and body go when all hell breaks loose - and to be quite honest I'm tired of scared and it hasn't really gotten me anywhere - old habits die hard - but I am trying day by day - baby steps.