Monday, September 10, 2012

long september...

well, okay apparently the Counting Crows lyrics are Long bad - but its only September 10th and its been a long September - and i have hope that next september things will be better.  Well, after complaining about having extra weight ....i'm sorry - i'm sorry ....i'm sorry and now i'm thankful - i've now lost almost 10 lbs without trying d/t nothing will stay in my stomach - i feel nauseaus most of the time...I know this has happened before and i try so hard not to get alarmed when my body goes completely off the rales - i just wish i was in phoenix and had the support from my doctor - in time - will be heading there in october.

if feel at times i am the greyhound running after that little bunny - so close - so close - so close - but i can not reach it - but i can see it - i can feel it in my bones that i am at a turning point and part of that has been acceptance - allowing others to see me in my not so perky state - another is the conscious decision that i have no choice to put my health and what is best for my health in front of everything else - it means being a bit "self centered" - i feel that if i don't i will not come out of this - and there have been moments this past few weeks that i think i just can't take this another minute another second another mili-second - please let me be well again.

on saturday i was in bed most of the day - but I got it together to make it to a family wedding that i would have been crushed had i missed - and for that hour i felt like my old self - flitting around like a social butterfly - catching up with everyone - watching my  (2nd) cousins ( 6 sisters 1 brother) dancing and laughing - it was my cousin Sandy's daughter who was getting married -it was Sandy who use to babysit for me - and show me how to look the most like one of Charlie's Angels with the blue and pink eye shadow and feathered hair - who always use to say to me when i was little - "who's little girl are you" - I remember her wedding and all of her sister's weddings to and i would have been jamming to We are Family...but saturday night i was content to just watch - grateful to be there -even if it was only and hour - it was an hour of pure bliss - a moment when this illness teaches you the love of the moment - because its all it often gives us.

this illness is pushing me to be stronger - to fight - to fight for myself - anyone one will tell you - i'm the one you want on your side - if there is a problem i will do whatever it takes to try and fix it - well now i need to take my own advice - find how i can fix that and at times it feels selfish - looking to go back to phoenix for my treatments i told my doctor - you lead - i will follow - because i can taste freedom and nothing tastes as sweet.

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