Saturday, September 22, 2012

late night

its late - and i should be in bed...but i had a really good day today...(jerry maguire reference not intended) but okay - why not piggy back on Tom Cruise's infectious craziness - hell knows i have enough crazy to fill a room.

here was my brief agenda...stopped at parents to see them before they headed out of town...went and got a sandwich...went to watch my friend's daughter's soccer game...went to walgreens...went to get a baby present at the local little baby boutique...came home..ate...rested in up ate...went to meet one of my best friends at my parent's house - it was like walking back in time hanging out there when life was a bit less complicated.  The thing is everyone loves my parent's house - its a home a safe haven where the door is always open - the lights always on and anyone is not unexpected at any given time.  So being back there where many good childhood memories where formed and not much has changed felt good.  But better than that I had a normal day - just an average normal day - but i felt blessed every single second of it - coming off this past few weeks of feeling like i was clinging to stay above water it was the most precious gift.

I have really good friends - and though with this illness I know if i asked for more help they would do everything in their power to help me its been tough for me to ask.  I know they all have their own lives, children, work schedules, etc..and yet every time i do ask - i have yet to be disappointed. This has been a learning curve - learning to be comfortable when i am uncomfortable - trusting in others when i don't trust myself - its a hard adjustment from being the dependable one the one everyone can go to and having your body not cooperate anymore and force you to be on the other side needing help where you never anticipated you would need.  I am working through this and trying my best to be open to receiving the love and care that others are more than willing to provide - its just a door that i had closed off for so long its been tough to break through.  Like many of us in the beginning we just don't think it is possible for this illness to carry on for so long, so we avoid it - we excuse it - we hide from it - we cope the way you would cope with an acute illness - but then everything just keeps getting piled on and by this time you haven't given those that love you time to catch up to where you have gotten and so they are a bit lost - seeing the old you yet inside you feel so different.

Today I felt a bit free - sure I didn't make it to Madison this week -but lucky me my friend was in town - so I got to rid myself of that grief of not having the one on one time I had craved - I am lucky - I am blessed - and yes I am sick - but its not who I am its just that slice of me -and as I said before I feel slowly I am crawling back.

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