So its been awhile to say the least, not sure where to begin. Then I am reminded of the last time I went to the dentist, and was frustrated, b/c despite flossing, my gums were bleeding. The hygienist said - "your probably a pop flosser", a what? " a pop flosser, you pop it in and out but you need to really push all the way to the top of the gums..." hmmm - she was right, despite my efforts, i was definately a pop flosser, dually noted. And then she said, most people stop flossing for awhile, and the more days that go on that they don't they feel like they failed and for some reason keep not flossing - remember any day is the best day to start again - hmmm - words of wisdom from the dentists office.
and so it has been with this blog, a bit like flossing, i got off the train, and most nights would think of getting back on, but not know how to begin again, so i write in my head, what i would have said. And the longer i was off, the harder it seemed to get on - today - I am getting back on the train. I think it was something sommeone said to me today, the frustrating lack of understanding this illness carries. I had a really great night last night - it had been an awful day, on top of the CFS, i am fighting a cold - of course its fall, the first and hoping- but doubting the last. I wanted to help my sister run some errands, but knew i couldn't, so at least i headed over to her house to hang with the kids. But all day I was figuring out how was I going to meet up with my high school friends in the evening, I'm a bit dizzy, weak, unsteady, hurt everywhere, not sure i can pull it together.
Laying on the sofa, with the chills, the venue has been decided. Luckily, I have two Packer tickets that need delivering, b/c without that feeling of responsibility, i know i will hang in the towel. Eat, sit up, breathe. Okay, shower, rest, drink something, sit up in bed. I think I can do this - lipstick. Luckily, the evening is always the best for me. Long story short, I make it there, and I have said it before, fun is never over-rated. Just seeing people that have known me for 20 plus years, it takes me out of this current life. It transports me back to a time where I could always rally, being around this group, this energy of friendship, lifts me up. And the half hour i thought i could only make turns into two. And for the first time, in this extended network, when my friend asks how i am doing, i don't lie, i have ended the denial stage and someone listens, truly listens, and it is the greatest gift anyone can give.
So when i make it home, the adrenalin wears offs, and i crash into bed, all the crappy symptoms are still there, but a little bit of their power was taken away tonight. Because in spite of it, I got two hours of freedom - and it was priceless. So this late morning, when I get a few comments like, "9:30am and you just got up?" "are you working yet? no? well I would be fatigued if I didn't work!" and the comments, despite coming from a loving heart, feel like a dagger - its okay - because last night, someone looked me in the eye, and saw me, someone who knows who I use to be - he heard me and understood through the smile that this isn't the easiest of fights and I am doing my very best.
It teaches me, hope is not always about getting better, sometimes just being understood is enough, so I say thank you, to my dear friend - the one that made VanHalen cubes in plastics class, the one whom did many ride alongs in a certain black mercury convertible hunting for flying hub caps, the one whom took me for two jimmy sundaes the night before my wisdom teeth were pulled, the one that shared with me when he first knew he had found his wife...this one is for you. Last night you gave me hope.