Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Valium

The misconception about the broad umbrella that engulfs all of us under that heading of "Chronic Fatigue Syndrome" is that we are all just sleepy.  The thing is, is that at times the sleepiness is the least of the problems, and tonight, as I am shaky and nervous from the delayed food reaction i probably had because i decided i would try and eat potatoes, and then since i felt pretty darn good yesterday try a plateful again today, as i sat at the bar with my friends and felt itchy and uncomfortable, chastising myself that it must be "anxiety", despite not being anxious about a damn thing, and i get home so damn depressed that i can't enjoy an evening out with friends, but then, i am in bed, and i feel tight in my chest, so i wait and i wait, just go to sleep, but i can't so i  get up and realize that i am coughing, and i can feel that quarter size tightness in my right upper lung, and my rash on my neck is angry and red, so i begin, its been six weeks since i have used these meds, i take the albuteral, the benadrl, the pulmacort, done with the pharmaceuticals, moving on the the "alternative meds" i take the Lobelia, the homeopathic Aconite and Arsenicum, I call my friend, who thankfully is on west coast time, and a doctor.  Reasured, i am not in danger, but definately congested.  Damn it Damn it Damn it, I just wanted to eat a potato.

So you see, the chronic fatigue for me the list of what could possibly make me feel this dreadful is high candida, high staph, high strep, and then the food allergies came along - don't touch most fruits, then carrots - so don't eat potatoes b/c they are cousins, but then after a prick, no rxn, try the potato...i have waited a year b/c i was too afraid to eat a damn potato and finally last night i had enough of it -so i ate the wonderful potatoes and onions, and they were so damn good i ate more this afternoon, the catch, i had started feeling a bit congested prior to this afternoon's potato indulgence, so i took a benadryl, thus the irritation delayed-

I go through my mental check list....I am thankful for the fact that i am not in pain, I am thankful that I am not suffering from anything terminal.  I am thankful that I have a supportive both financially and emotionally family.  I am thankful that my sweet dear dog sophie, senses i don't feel well and has joined me on the sofa as i type. I am thankful I do not live in North Korea, China, Japan, Lybia, and scores of other countries too depressing to name.  I am thankful, don't get me wrong, but the feeling like the other shoe might drop, the unpredictablility, today felt like a cruel joke.  For the past three days i felt like i was coming down with the flu, weak exhausted, and it took everything to just get up and get through the day, and then like magic last night i started feeling better, and this afternoon even better, and then like a freight train, i could feel the shift in my body, the threat level rise to orange, and it all came tumbling down.

I return to phoenix tomorrow to continue the treatments i had last month, which is another blog - so here's to hope and irony and laughing, b/c when i decided i couldn't sit still, didn't want to talk on the phone or watch tv, but i thought maybe i could write i tried to sign into my blog, and of course couldn't remember the password, i followed the link, to reset and the code word that i needed to type to get access, was Valium -and I laughed. And if only through osmosis and the smile those little letters gave me, all of a sudden I didn't feel that bad.  Here's to another day. And the bottle of Xanax in my purse!

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